Good Cop, Bad Cop

I recently came across a meme which said the verse, “The Mummies in the bus go sssh sshh sshh, The Daddies in the bus say I love you” from the popular nursery rhyme ‘the wheels of the bus go round and round’ highlight the good cop, bad cop analogy very well. This meme made me laugh real hard and at the same time made me think real hard. 

The ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’ analogy is not a new one in parenting and I feel it certainly is tested the most during the toddler and teen years. Essentially, years where the child will be unreasonable more often than not (not their fault of course! We can scientifically lay blame on the still developing toddler brain and teen hormonal changes) Take any given situation and you will invariably see a good cop (more lenient) and a bad cop (more strict) emerging in a set of parents. Who assumes which role maybe consistent or could even vary across situations. 

I will enumerate a few toddler situations as the teens are still some years away for us! Each situation will have a toddler behaviour, parental responses which one can classify into good cop/bad cop (entirely subjective) and the setting. I strongly believe that the setting plays a huge role in determining parental responses largely because of the ‘Log kya kahenge’ or ‘What will people say’ fear. 

There are no right or wrong responses. It’s just fascinating to watch human cognition in action! 

Situation 1: 

Setting: Home

Toddler: “I want ice cream right now” (This is a random request in the middle of the day)

Parent 1: “Oh ho beta, it’s so hot today na? Bolo which flavour will you like?”

Parent 2: “Kyun bhai kaunsa pahad chad liya?” (Roughly translates into which humongous task did you complete to achieve this?) 

Situation 2

Setting: Playground, on the Swing (a queue has formed with other toddlers awaiting their turn) 

Toddler: “More! More!“

Parent 1: “No more darling as other children want to sit on the swing too. The slide is more fun! Come!” (May or may not involve lugging a crying toddler away) 

Parent 2: “Ok, if that’s what will make you happy, we can stay for some more time”

Situation 3

Setting: Relative’s home, meal time

Toddler: “These beans are yucky”

Parent 1: “You have to eat them! They are good for you”.

Parent 2: “Are you sure? Why don’t you like them? Will you have potatoes instead?”.

Situation 4 

Setting: Crowded Supermarket 

Toddler: “I want 5 chocolates (bars)!”

Parent 1: “No way! You cannot have 5 bars of chocolate as it’s bad for your teeth”.

Parent 2: “You can have 2 bars and you can also have another 3 fruits (or other healthy snacks) of your choice. How does that sound?”

As you may have gathered, every parental response above will either diffuse or further aggravate the situation. What is also very interesting to note is that what you consider a less favourable response may in fact work very well. After all, each individual child is very unique and what works for one child may not always work for another. Consequently, our need as parents to always respond in the best possible manner is often a result of trial and error. 

I would like to conclude with stating the very basic tenet of Psychology that has been ingrained in me right at the very beginning of my training within the subject - Always Respond, Never React. Think about it, there’s a monumental difference. Essentially, a reaction is never devoid of emotion whereas a response is a considered behaviour which may or may not include an emotional aspect. A reaction is generally immediate whereas a response involves a bit more time. No prizes for guessing which one will garner a  more satisfactory outcome.