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I Had Chocolate For Dinner

There! I said it. It’s been a hard month. In fact I’d go to the extent of saying I may have just about avoided an existential crisis.


The pandemic continues to Harrow us by reinventing itself. Lockdown 3 has been a blur so far. So, coming back to my confession then, I feel zero guilt for eating chocolate for dinner. I feel I deserve every square of decadent goodness. Also I was so exhausted that I wasn’t upto actually going through the whole process of eating real food. Not many know that I’m still trying to rebuild strength in my right hand as a result of surgeries not too long ago. Eating is more of a bloody exercise than anything else at the moment. So, after a gruelling day with two energetic toddlers, I ripped open a bar of chocolate and ate half of it. 


I’ve always been a relatively strong person both physically and mentally so losing my dominant hand function by more than 50 percent has been a huge challenge. My confidence has plunged greatly. However, I am not losing hope. I am working very hard at my physio exercises. Making time for these amidst exhausting days is difficult but not impossible. 


Everyday I see my social media feed full of mums baking cakes, going on walks etc with their little ones. I unfortunately am unable to do these simple tasks effortlessly. It takes me doubly long to carry out everyday tasks, those that I took entirely for granted - tying shoelaces, cooking, heck! even dressing my 1 year old. The thought of whether I’ll ever return to “normal” breaks me. I’m scared of how I will cope and of any potential impact on my kids. But then I see their happy faces and it reassures me. Perhaps I am doing something right, after all. 


A very close friend wrote to me saying “There is always tomorrow” and I derive immense comfort from these words. My heart is hopeful. The best is yet to come. 

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